I really meant to write some more about what I felt like when I went home but had to study for that pesty surgery quiz-90%!
There are several reasons why I don't like going to DeSoto.
1-Joe isn't there. And if he is there, he's awkward and uncomfortable, which makes me feel that way too.
2-Everyone is fat. Which make me feel fat. Maybe I should just stay away from SuperWal-Mart.
3-There's nothing to do.
4-I don't have any friends there that it wouldn't be awkward to hang out with. Everyone has changed or hasn't. That make me sad.
5-I think about high school and how horrible it was for me. I think about working at McDonald's and how great it was for me. And those things make me sad.
6-I can't help but think about Jeremiah Kitchell. I wonder if I'll run into him. Will we recognize each other? What is happening in his life? How has he changed? How have we changed? I've said before how much better off I am now than I would of been had I stayed with him, but I still can't help thinking about him. I was really devoted to him. Less than I am to Joe but still a lot.
7-There's nothing for me there nor has there been for a really long time.
8-Visiting my mom and my grandma makes me look at my future-physically and mentally. It scares me. I should get on that exercise bike. And invest in some hearing aids. If you catch me writing a list on the back of an envelope or on a magazine subscription card, stop me. Please!
9-Its a long drive and gas is expensive.
I know that there are other reasons that I don't like going to DeSoto but I can't think of any more right now. When I came home on Sunday evening, I felt very bad about my visit. I was angry and sad at the same time. I didn't feel as if I had got everything from the visit that I could of yet, what else was there? To call up some old friends that stayed in town and havn't changed only to realize that they are still 18 only 25 while I am a grown up? I don't like doing that to myself. I have before and it sucks.
After Joe's visit to St.Joe, he said that you could never go home again and maybe he felt what that meant. I don't know if I feel that way. Probably. I just know that I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME AGAIN. It really wouldn't surprise me that except for some required visits-holidays, horse shows, if someone got hurt or sick, if I didn't go back to DeSoto for a visit again. At least not alone. I'll make Joe come and be miserable with me.
[EDIT-Originally published to Blogger on May 30, 2011]
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