Well, as much as I hate to do it, I think its time for this blog to end...
I simply can not watch it be another blog to which nothing gets posted to. A blog which people check or are randomly directed to but hasn't been updated for three years.
I'll try to wrap up all the loose ends now.
I no longer work at Greenville Vet. Things ended very poorly there and it was unfortunate but ultimately for the best. I needed to get out of there for my emotional and probably my physical health.
I now work at Greener Pastures Veterinary Services. I'm doing the same type of work BUT am on call much less and actually get a day off of work. I really like my new job BUT its in Saegertown which is a 45 minute drive from Greenville...
SO...we bought/are buying a house in Cochranton. We hope to have all the closing taken care of by the end of May. Fingers crossed that everything continues to go as planned. The house is a three bedroom farm house on 11 acres. Cochranton isn't exactly close to Saegertown but its closer. We're hoping to have goats by this fall. And maybe the ponies moved up too.
On the front of starting a family, I'm still infertile. We've decided to push aside trying to get pregnant so that we can focus on the house. Everyone says that once we get into the new house, I'll get pregnant right away. Maybe but I'm very doubtful. I actually doubt that I'll ever get pregnant. Thinking about it is very emotionally driven for me.
So that's where we'll end. New job, new house, and hopefully one day, a new baby for our family. Maybe then, there'll be a new blog as well.
If for some reason, I find the drive to blog again. You can find me here, being courageous but wrong.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
2015
I apologize for the lack of posts. Things haven't been going exactly according to plan. There's lots of drama regarding my job but that's all I'll get into. (Faithful readers may not that one blog post has been deleted. I sort of wish I had kept it up or at least figured out how to save it unpublished.)
Ignoring the work drama, there is always mama/baby drama and house drama.
Let's start with the fact that our house is falling down around us.
Our refrigerator goes through spells where its suspiciously quiet. Then we worry. Then it starts humming along again like nothing ever happened.
Then the well pump which is constantly an issue. Earlier this fall, it started doing this thing that it does on occasion where it kicks on every ten minutes. Normally, you can hear it kick on after the toilet has been flushed, water ran, showers taken. You know when water had been used. So when Joe came home from work I told him about it and normally we pay the well drilling company $95 to come out drain the pump and recharge it. Joe said that he had seen it done enough times that he felt that he could do it. Well, it didn't work. And it didn't work when he bought a small air compressor. And we didn't have water.
So the well drilling guys come out and were like, hmmm...yeah, your well is broken at the well and needs to be dug up. So they dug it up and we had water again. Unfortunately, it was brown. If you ran it long enough, it stopped being brown and started smelling like a pool. There was laundry washed and soup made with this brown water. And great big freakouts had. Then the basement flooded. Well, it happened once before and we figured this time was because they disturbed the foundation with their digging since it was right next to the house and it was raining pretty hard. I cleaned up and moved along. The water was more consistently water color now (i.e. clear). And the basement flooded again. Actually, I think it flooded like three times before I caught the problem-the water softener. When all the dirt had backflowed into the water softener it clogged some of the stuff up and water was literally flowing over the top. Joe bypassed the water softener and all was well...or so we thought. I happened downstairs one more recent afternoon and found a flood. I started to investigate and there was a pipe coming out from the wall behind the well pump that was flowing water. It was about six inches out from the wall and about 1/2" diameter. I sat a bucket under it, cleaned up the mess but quickly realized that the bucket (a five gallon bucket) was filling in just under 15 minutes. So in a stroke of genius, I zip tied a gallon bag in which I had inserted and zip tied a garden hose around the pipe. The garden hose then fed to a drain. Problem solved. Joe refined my attempt with actual hosing but overall it was a good plan. Now today, I go downstairs and find that its leaking around the pipe. I might have stuffed a dishcloth in there to hopefully slow flooding until at least my husband comes home.
I think those are all the major disasters going on with the house.
But it doesn't matter because in 2015, WE ARE BUYING A HOUSE OF OUR OWN! I know that saying it as many times as I have will likely severely jinx it but Joe and I plan on making a move closer to places of employment and settling down. I'll never feel 100% ready to make the plunge (and financially am uncertain if we would be able to) but know that we just need to do it. We want a farm. And once I have a farm, I'm opening a bakery. Probably just custom cakes and desserts and not like something that someone has to work at but still a bakery. I love to bake and think that its time that I offer my baking skills out to the public.
So since seeing the reproductive endocrinologist this fall, we've been playing around with medications and doing a lot of bloodwork to see if I am ovulating. The short answer is that I am not. In fact my progesterone is non-existent. Like less than a man's according to a google search I performed. But the rest of my bloodwork is normal. I'm not pre-diabetic, I don't have insulin resistance, my thyroid is normal. Luckily, on January 1st, my insurance changed to something much better and we were no longer playing the insurance company's game of 'she needs to ovulate before we'll allow additional testing but we won't cover the meds without preauthorization'. So in very short order (which was exceptionally good timing!) I was scheduled for a saline infusion ultrasound and a femvue. Now I was warned that these proceedures would be uncomfortable but they did not prepare me for them as much as I would have liked.
Prepare for TMI!
I was stripped from the waist down and told to wait. Then of course your feet go up and then the speculum is introduced. I was told I have a very movable cervix. Did I mention that this is a transvaginal ultrasound? So they feed a catheter through your cervix and infuse 30ml of saline. Its not a lot but enough to make you very uncomfortable. Like you really, really need to pee. Once that's complete, they push air through the catheter with the idea that the bubbles will run up your ovaducts/fallopian tubes. THIS IS EXCRUCIATING! I know I was making some serious uncomfortable face and groaning. The nurse asked if she could get me some water. Luckily though, everything is open and there is no reason for me not to get pregnant other than I'm not ovulating. I do have a little fibroid but it isn't a problem. Then at my insistence they pulled blood to check out my adrenal glands. The plan is to now continue to try medications and ultimately go to injections if needed. While on the next higher dose of medication (which I'm not looking forward to as the low dose made me so dizzy that driving would have been hard), I need to have my follicles checked which means more ultrasounds! Sadly, I'll have to wait till at least March for this as I have no insurance until then. Fingers crossed that I don't get hurt!
So that's pretty much what's going on. 2015 is going to be our bitch. We're going to buy a farm, get pregnant and overall hopefully it will be better than 2014, which really sucked.
Ignoring the work drama, there is always mama/baby drama and house drama.
Let's start with the fact that our house is falling down around us.
Our refrigerator goes through spells where its suspiciously quiet. Then we worry. Then it starts humming along again like nothing ever happened.
Then the well pump which is constantly an issue. Earlier this fall, it started doing this thing that it does on occasion where it kicks on every ten minutes. Normally, you can hear it kick on after the toilet has been flushed, water ran, showers taken. You know when water had been used. So when Joe came home from work I told him about it and normally we pay the well drilling company $95 to come out drain the pump and recharge it. Joe said that he had seen it done enough times that he felt that he could do it. Well, it didn't work. And it didn't work when he bought a small air compressor. And we didn't have water.
So the well drilling guys come out and were like, hmmm...yeah, your well is broken at the well and needs to be dug up. So they dug it up and we had water again. Unfortunately, it was brown. If you ran it long enough, it stopped being brown and started smelling like a pool. There was laundry washed and soup made with this brown water. And great big freakouts had. Then the basement flooded. Well, it happened once before and we figured this time was because they disturbed the foundation with their digging since it was right next to the house and it was raining pretty hard. I cleaned up and moved along. The water was more consistently water color now (i.e. clear). And the basement flooded again. Actually, I think it flooded like three times before I caught the problem-the water softener. When all the dirt had backflowed into the water softener it clogged some of the stuff up and water was literally flowing over the top. Joe bypassed the water softener and all was well...or so we thought. I happened downstairs one more recent afternoon and found a flood. I started to investigate and there was a pipe coming out from the wall behind the well pump that was flowing water. It was about six inches out from the wall and about 1/2" diameter. I sat a bucket under it, cleaned up the mess but quickly realized that the bucket (a five gallon bucket) was filling in just under 15 minutes. So in a stroke of genius, I zip tied a gallon bag in which I had inserted and zip tied a garden hose around the pipe. The garden hose then fed to a drain. Problem solved. Joe refined my attempt with actual hosing but overall it was a good plan. Now today, I go downstairs and find that its leaking around the pipe. I might have stuffed a dishcloth in there to hopefully slow flooding until at least my husband comes home.
I think those are all the major disasters going on with the house.
But it doesn't matter because in 2015, WE ARE BUYING A HOUSE OF OUR OWN! I know that saying it as many times as I have will likely severely jinx it but Joe and I plan on making a move closer to places of employment and settling down. I'll never feel 100% ready to make the plunge (and financially am uncertain if we would be able to) but know that we just need to do it. We want a farm. And once I have a farm, I'm opening a bakery. Probably just custom cakes and desserts and not like something that someone has to work at but still a bakery. I love to bake and think that its time that I offer my baking skills out to the public.
So since seeing the reproductive endocrinologist this fall, we've been playing around with medications and doing a lot of bloodwork to see if I am ovulating. The short answer is that I am not. In fact my progesterone is non-existent. Like less than a man's according to a google search I performed. But the rest of my bloodwork is normal. I'm not pre-diabetic, I don't have insulin resistance, my thyroid is normal. Luckily, on January 1st, my insurance changed to something much better and we were no longer playing the insurance company's game of 'she needs to ovulate before we'll allow additional testing but we won't cover the meds without preauthorization'. So in very short order (which was exceptionally good timing!) I was scheduled for a saline infusion ultrasound and a femvue. Now I was warned that these proceedures would be uncomfortable but they did not prepare me for them as much as I would have liked.
Prepare for TMI!
I was stripped from the waist down and told to wait. Then of course your feet go up and then the speculum is introduced. I was told I have a very movable cervix. Did I mention that this is a transvaginal ultrasound? So they feed a catheter through your cervix and infuse 30ml of saline. Its not a lot but enough to make you very uncomfortable. Like you really, really need to pee. Once that's complete, they push air through the catheter with the idea that the bubbles will run up your ovaducts/fallopian tubes. THIS IS EXCRUCIATING! I know I was making some serious uncomfortable face and groaning. The nurse asked if she could get me some water. Luckily though, everything is open and there is no reason for me not to get pregnant other than I'm not ovulating. I do have a little fibroid but it isn't a problem. Then at my insistence they pulled blood to check out my adrenal glands. The plan is to now continue to try medications and ultimately go to injections if needed. While on the next higher dose of medication (which I'm not looking forward to as the low dose made me so dizzy that driving would have been hard), I need to have my follicles checked which means more ultrasounds! Sadly, I'll have to wait till at least March for this as I have no insurance until then. Fingers crossed that I don't get hurt!
So that's pretty much what's going on. 2015 is going to be our bitch. We're going to buy a farm, get pregnant and overall hopefully it will be better than 2014, which really sucked.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Winter
Boy, winter came in with a vengeance. Up until last week, I had only worn a long sleeve shirt once; it was the first cold night of the year. Last week, we started to have snow. It was cold. And now it was time to break out the long johns and long sleeve shirts as well as the lucky orange hat. This week, it never really got above freezing. In fact, there were nights that it was about 10 degrees. Total we got about four inches of snow over the past week. Today, we had freezing rain. I fell down in the parking lot. Not once, but twice. Well, once was yesterday.
With the cold, gray day, I'm excited to sit on the couch with Mary, who literally just joined me, and apparently watch The Office all day. I was intending to watch girly movies. There's always tomorrow.
That's about all that's going on.
As usual, work sucks. I think that I've apparently been a vet long enough that there isn't much left that is exciting in my normal days.
Anyway, books.
I most recently read Horns by Joe Hill. It was an impulse buy at Wal-Mart when I was waiting for my oil to get changed. The book lingered in the bedroom so I read it after I finished the Kathy Reichs book. It was surprisingly good. There's a movie coming out with Daniel Radcliffe (who has a funny face? Does anyone else think that?)
So total spoiler alert...
Ig wakes up from a night of drinking to realize he has horns growing from his head. He tries to put two and two together and all he can remember is being piss drunk and pissing over the memorial of where the body of his murdered girlfriend was found. (Ig was the prime suspect though charges were never brought forth on him.) As Ig goes though his day, he realizes the power the horns have on people. His girlfriend talks about how much she want to eat all of the doughnuts and get really fat, the doctor talks about wanting to snort some drugs, his mom says how much she hates him, his brother says something regarding a mutual friend, Lee...So Ig sets out to find out the truth. The truth is that Lee raped and killed Ig's girlfriend;he was jealous of their relationship all along. Lee is an awful person though he hides it well. They fight and fight and Ig eventually gets the upper hand.
There's a lot more to it but its a good book. The end gets a little difficult to understand. Is Ig bad? or is he good?
Right now, I'm reading Fifty Shades of Gray. Some of my friends are reading it too. I went ahead and bought the trilogy and am glad I did. Its super hot. I'm not ready to see the movie. Who would you go out to see it with? Its going to be awkward with anyone. Movies really don't show the level of sex and nudity that your typical Showtime show has...and that's what this book has.
So total spoiler alert...
Ig wakes up from a night of drinking to realize he has horns growing from his head. He tries to put two and two together and all he can remember is being piss drunk and pissing over the memorial of where the body of his murdered girlfriend was found. (Ig was the prime suspect though charges were never brought forth on him.) As Ig goes though his day, he realizes the power the horns have on people. His girlfriend talks about how much she want to eat all of the doughnuts and get really fat, the doctor talks about wanting to snort some drugs, his mom says how much she hates him, his brother says something regarding a mutual friend, Lee...So Ig sets out to find out the truth. The truth is that Lee raped and killed Ig's girlfriend;he was jealous of their relationship all along. Lee is an awful person though he hides it well. They fight and fight and Ig eventually gets the upper hand.
There's a lot more to it but its a good book. The end gets a little difficult to understand. Is Ig bad? or is he good?
Right now, I'm reading Fifty Shades of Gray. Some of my friends are reading it too. I went ahead and bought the trilogy and am glad I did. Its super hot. I'm not ready to see the movie. Who would you go out to see it with? Its going to be awkward with anyone. Movies really don't show the level of sex and nudity that your typical Showtime show has...and that's what this book has.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Book Update
Okay...
Two down...
Prepare for spoilers...
The Castaways...A group of eight friends are met with tragedy when a couple (Greg and Tess) die in a sailing accident leaving behind their two twins. The book deals with the secrets left behind and how the remaining couples deal with the deaths. Ed is stuck being the police chief and dealing with a psychotic Andrea who can barely get herself together to take care of the twins. Phoebe is suddenly awake with possibilities (though torn with having given Tess medications) while her husband Addison retreats into solitude of his secret affair with Tess. Delilah feels the guilt of not having told Tess about what she knew (Greg was with the student that had tried to seduce him the night before he died) and Jeffery reminisces with Andrea, the little bit of normalcy she can feel.
The Sea Captain's Wife...Azuba dreams of going to sea with her sea captain husband but shortly after their marriage she is left behind. His visits are infrequent and while her family surrounds her she feels abandoned with her young daughter. Azuba loses a baby and in her grief meets the young new pastor. They enjoy each others company but in this invite scandal. When Azuba's husband returns, there is no explaining to him. He takes Azuba and her daughter to sea with him. The sea voyage is hard but they make it through. On their return trip (from Chile to Europe), they are faced with dead water and a severe food shortage. Oh and Azuba is with child. There is a small rebellion on board but eventually they reach Europe. Azuba has a healthy son and after some enjoyable times in Europe they return to the sea to go to Hong Kong. They are raided by pirates who kidnap their nurse and kill all but a handful of the men. The captain suffers a debilitating head wound and is forced to give up his command.
Currently, I've started to read Bare Bones by Kathy Reichs. Its pretty classic Temperance Brennan book.
I really liked the The Sea Captain's Wife. It was interesting and exciting.
I signed up for NaNoWriMo which is National Novel Writing Month. (Its the month of November.) I'm hoping to get some serious writing done
Two down...
Prepare for spoilers...
The Castaways...A group of eight friends are met with tragedy when a couple (Greg and Tess) die in a sailing accident leaving behind their two twins. The book deals with the secrets left behind and how the remaining couples deal with the deaths. Ed is stuck being the police chief and dealing with a psychotic Andrea who can barely get herself together to take care of the twins. Phoebe is suddenly awake with possibilities (though torn with having given Tess medications) while her husband Addison retreats into solitude of his secret affair with Tess. Delilah feels the guilt of not having told Tess about what she knew (Greg was with the student that had tried to seduce him the night before he died) and Jeffery reminisces with Andrea, the little bit of normalcy she can feel.
The Sea Captain's Wife...Azuba dreams of going to sea with her sea captain husband but shortly after their marriage she is left behind. His visits are infrequent and while her family surrounds her she feels abandoned with her young daughter. Azuba loses a baby and in her grief meets the young new pastor. They enjoy each others company but in this invite scandal. When Azuba's husband returns, there is no explaining to him. He takes Azuba and her daughter to sea with him. The sea voyage is hard but they make it through. On their return trip (from Chile to Europe), they are faced with dead water and a severe food shortage. Oh and Azuba is with child. There is a small rebellion on board but eventually they reach Europe. Azuba has a healthy son and after some enjoyable times in Europe they return to the sea to go to Hong Kong. They are raided by pirates who kidnap their nurse and kill all but a handful of the men. The captain suffers a debilitating head wound and is forced to give up his command.
Currently, I've started to read Bare Bones by Kathy Reichs. Its pretty classic Temperance Brennan book.
I really liked the The Sea Captain's Wife. It was interesting and exciting.
I signed up for NaNoWriMo which is National Novel Writing Month. (Its the month of November.) I'm hoping to get some serious writing done
Monday, October 20, 2014
Feeling Sorry For Myself
Well, I'm ready to throw in the towel and feel sorry for myself. I'm ready to say that I'm dealing with infertility issues.
So while I was waiting for my doctor to get back to me with the progesterone level, I started a period. On my own! That was sort of exciting suggesting a lot of possibilities. Maybe the clomid did work. Maybe my body follows its own schedule and I did ovulate. Just not on day 14 like expected. When I finally got ahold of my doctor, she was surprised but happy. She prescribed me a new medication and referred me to the reproductive endocrinologist.
The medication made me feel super dizzy. Like unable to drive a car dizzy. But I found that if I ate it didn't seem that bad. So this month, we're having a lot more sex and I probably should actually use those ovulation strips.
Somehow, I managed to get into the reproductive endocrinologist rather quickly and had my appointment today.
It didn't go well.
My appointment was a consultation. And from the start I felt like I was missing something. Why were the questions from the nurse about my own body so difficult to answer? Is it that confusing? (Yes.) Enter the doctor. Now one of the techs had seen this doctor before and really liked him. I'm not so sure. Maybe he was having a bad day. Maybe he needed an extra cup of coffee or wasn't feeling well.
Anyway, it felt like I was being put on trial for what my body did or didn't do. Why didn't my doctors do this or do that? Why was this medication prescribed in this dosage? And if PCOS was truly my diagnosis then there were things that would be have to be done. Management changes to my life style. Birth control between pregnancies so that my cycles would continue on a regular schedule. Medications to take. And now, the doctor reviewed Joe's history and in seeing that Joe's son has some chromosomal abnormalities he said that he needed to know more and that we shouldn't go into a pregnancy with blinders on.
While this is true, knowing the genetic outcome of my children and their future especially when I'm having trouble conceiving in the first place, seems like eugenics to me. It's a struggle for me to know what I should or shouldn't do in this situation.
But honestly, going into a pregnancy blindly is my choice. The choice of my husband and I.
So there. I left my doctors appointment feeling like the fact that I can't get pregnant was all my fault. That any choices I make are going to be the wrong ones. I left feeling fat and like I was not worthy of having a baby...if it was even possible for me to have one.
I now have orders for more bloodwork. Bloodwork to determine if I have insulin resistance, if I have diabetes and to see even if I have any eggs left. Then if I don't get pregnant this cycle (and I really, really hope I do so that I can put all this behind me for at least nine months), I have to have my uterus filled up with saline and air so that I can have an ultrasound. Doesn't sound like a very fun time to me.
So everyone pray to who or whatever you believe in or cross your fingers that I get pregnant. I could really use some positive vibes.
So while I was waiting for my doctor to get back to me with the progesterone level, I started a period. On my own! That was sort of exciting suggesting a lot of possibilities. Maybe the clomid did work. Maybe my body follows its own schedule and I did ovulate. Just not on day 14 like expected. When I finally got ahold of my doctor, she was surprised but happy. She prescribed me a new medication and referred me to the reproductive endocrinologist.
The medication made me feel super dizzy. Like unable to drive a car dizzy. But I found that if I ate it didn't seem that bad. So this month, we're having a lot more sex and I probably should actually use those ovulation strips.
Somehow, I managed to get into the reproductive endocrinologist rather quickly and had my appointment today.
It didn't go well.
My appointment was a consultation. And from the start I felt like I was missing something. Why were the questions from the nurse about my own body so difficult to answer? Is it that confusing? (Yes.) Enter the doctor. Now one of the techs had seen this doctor before and really liked him. I'm not so sure. Maybe he was having a bad day. Maybe he needed an extra cup of coffee or wasn't feeling well.
Anyway, it felt like I was being put on trial for what my body did or didn't do. Why didn't my doctors do this or do that? Why was this medication prescribed in this dosage? And if PCOS was truly my diagnosis then there were things that would be have to be done. Management changes to my life style. Birth control between pregnancies so that my cycles would continue on a regular schedule. Medications to take. And now, the doctor reviewed Joe's history and in seeing that Joe's son has some chromosomal abnormalities he said that he needed to know more and that we shouldn't go into a pregnancy with blinders on.
While this is true, knowing the genetic outcome of my children and their future especially when I'm having trouble conceiving in the first place, seems like eugenics to me. It's a struggle for me to know what I should or shouldn't do in this situation.
But honestly, going into a pregnancy blindly is my choice. The choice of my husband and I.
So there. I left my doctors appointment feeling like the fact that I can't get pregnant was all my fault. That any choices I make are going to be the wrong ones. I left feeling fat and like I was not worthy of having a baby...if it was even possible for me to have one.
I now have orders for more bloodwork. Bloodwork to determine if I have insulin resistance, if I have diabetes and to see even if I have any eggs left. Then if I don't get pregnant this cycle (and I really, really hope I do so that I can put all this behind me for at least nine months), I have to have my uterus filled up with saline and air so that I can have an ultrasound. Doesn't sound like a very fun time to me.
So everyone pray to who or whatever you believe in or cross your fingers that I get pregnant. I could really use some positive vibes.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Clear Blue (It Isn't) Easy
Welcome back fans of TMI.
As you know, in June I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries (PCOS) which was the reason I wasn't having a period and why I wasn't getting pregnant. My doctor was sort of skeptical at first but after bloodwork and an ultrasound was convinced.
So in August, I started on Clomid, had sex, had bloodwork and then found out that my estrogen and progesterone levels did increase however they weren't enough to suggest ovulation. In September, I doubled my Clomid dose. This made me feel just ADR. I repeated bloodwork but my doctor who is the queen of calling me at 6pm on Friday while I'm doing a calving or cutting a c-section hasn't called me back. The nurse told me that my estrogen went up from like 92 to 290 which is great. Until you start googling that at ovulation the level is around 400. Then you get sad.
The past few days though my boobs have been feeling sore. And today felt bigger. (Actually last week a tech commented on them.) Tonight, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.
For me, even before we got a diagnosis I never wanted to lump myself in with people suffering from infertility. I'm still not sure I want to but with each month that passes it gets harder to not think about it. Everyone at work knows my business which isn't good but I have no where else to turn. My mom keeps assuring me that if it doesn't happen that it's not the end of the world which makes me sad and confused. Why is she saying these things? It's not helpful or supportive.
I'm ready to have a baby. I know that I won't pursue IVF because 1) financially I can't and 2) I feel that if I was intended to have a baby that I wouldn't have to. No you can look at it and say 'well, you're taking medications to help you get pregnant, what's the difference?' And I'll say that it's my body so shut the fuck up.
At least now with a negative pregnancy test I can rest assured that the beer I drank on Monday, the X-rays I helped to take on Tuesday and consistently forgetting my vitamins did not scare a bundle of cells. At least I hope.
As you know, in June I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries (PCOS) which was the reason I wasn't having a period and why I wasn't getting pregnant. My doctor was sort of skeptical at first but after bloodwork and an ultrasound was convinced.
So in August, I started on Clomid, had sex, had bloodwork and then found out that my estrogen and progesterone levels did increase however they weren't enough to suggest ovulation. In September, I doubled my Clomid dose. This made me feel just ADR. I repeated bloodwork but my doctor who is the queen of calling me at 6pm on Friday while I'm doing a calving or cutting a c-section hasn't called me back. The nurse told me that my estrogen went up from like 92 to 290 which is great. Until you start googling that at ovulation the level is around 400. Then you get sad.
The past few days though my boobs have been feeling sore. And today felt bigger. (Actually last week a tech commented on them.) Tonight, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.
For me, even before we got a diagnosis I never wanted to lump myself in with people suffering from infertility. I'm still not sure I want to but with each month that passes it gets harder to not think about it. Everyone at work knows my business which isn't good but I have no where else to turn. My mom keeps assuring me that if it doesn't happen that it's not the end of the world which makes me sad and confused. Why is she saying these things? It's not helpful or supportive.
I'm ready to have a baby. I know that I won't pursue IVF because 1) financially I can't and 2) I feel that if I was intended to have a baby that I wouldn't have to. No you can look at it and say 'well, you're taking medications to help you get pregnant, what's the difference?' And I'll say that it's my body so shut the fuck up.
At least now with a negative pregnancy test I can rest assured that the beer I drank on Monday, the X-rays I helped to take on Tuesday and consistently forgetting my vitamins did not scare a bundle of cells. At least I hope.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Book Sale!
So my mom came to visit this weekend. She came in on Friday night and stayed till this morning (Tuesday). We didn't do much. Saturday, we went shopping. Sunday, we went to Lake Erie with Riley (she enjoyed it) and on Monday we just ran errands.
Part of Saturday was going to the library book sale. Until now, I was very skeptical about book sales. In my experience, when you go to book sales, especially the last days, you are left with worn out paperbacks by no name authors and nothing good. Luckily, Pennsylvania likes book sales as much as they like yard sales. Case in point, the one I went to in July where I made it out with five good books including three books by known authors (Jane Smiley and Kathy Reichs).
So Saturday was the last day of the book sale and you could buy a whole bag of books for $5. Now the downside of this was that it was super crowded. The upside was that there were still 100s of books including some really good ones. Mom and Joe bought big full bags. Mine was a lot less full. But here are the books I got:
Psychopath by Keith Ablow-you may recognize the name from another book that I read. See, I've read one book off of the first shelf from the library and now I found another author who's books I enjoy. I like the mystery-thrillers.
Any Place I Hang My Hat by Susan Isaacs-Mom actually picked out this book but gave it to me when we had our book party exchanging and looking at what everyone else bought. It looks good.
Bare Bones by Kathy Reichs-Yep, I might be obsessed no matter how much I complain about these books being sort of cheesy.
The First Paper Girl in Red Oak, Iowa by Elizabeth Stuckey-French-This is probably one of the books that I'm least excited about. But we'll see!
The Casual Vacancy by J. K.Rowling-I never read any Harry Potter books. I admit it. But this book seemed interesting and there it was, a new book ready to be picked up and read!
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver-This is another one that we'll see how interesting it is. I suppose I'm going to have to implement the 50, 100 page rule.
Shoe Addicts Anonymous by Beth Harbison-So I really liked one of this author's other books (When In Doubt Add Butter) so I'm pretty excited about this book.
Jemima J by Jane Green I decided a while ago that I liked chic lit. This is one of those. I'm sort of excited about this book.
Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides Oprah book club, Pulitzer Prize...very exciting.
Midwives by Chris Bohjalian Oh, Oprah book club again!
The Castaways by Elin Hilderbrand Another easy beach read. One perfect read for a cool fall day or a winter snow in.
Needless to say, I have a lot of books to read. I'm not sure when I'm going to get back to the library but since we don't have cable any more...or at least not much of cable (that was sort of a drama), I should have plenty of time. I need to dedicate myself fully to reading now.
Part of Saturday was going to the library book sale. Until now, I was very skeptical about book sales. In my experience, when you go to book sales, especially the last days, you are left with worn out paperbacks by no name authors and nothing good. Luckily, Pennsylvania likes book sales as much as they like yard sales. Case in point, the one I went to in July where I made it out with five good books including three books by known authors (Jane Smiley and Kathy Reichs).
So Saturday was the last day of the book sale and you could buy a whole bag of books for $5. Now the downside of this was that it was super crowded. The upside was that there were still 100s of books including some really good ones. Mom and Joe bought big full bags. Mine was a lot less full. But here are the books I got:
Psychopath by Keith Ablow-you may recognize the name from another book that I read. See, I've read one book off of the first shelf from the library and now I found another author who's books I enjoy. I like the mystery-thrillers.
Any Place I Hang My Hat by Susan Isaacs-Mom actually picked out this book but gave it to me when we had our book party exchanging and looking at what everyone else bought. It looks good.
Bare Bones by Kathy Reichs-Yep, I might be obsessed no matter how much I complain about these books being sort of cheesy.
The First Paper Girl in Red Oak, Iowa by Elizabeth Stuckey-French-This is probably one of the books that I'm least excited about. But we'll see!
The Casual Vacancy by J. K.Rowling-I never read any Harry Potter books. I admit it. But this book seemed interesting and there it was, a new book ready to be picked up and read!
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver-This is another one that we'll see how interesting it is. I suppose I'm going to have to implement the 50, 100 page rule.
Shoe Addicts Anonymous by Beth Harbison-So I really liked one of this author's other books (When In Doubt Add Butter) so I'm pretty excited about this book.
Jemima J by Jane Green I decided a while ago that I liked chic lit. This is one of those. I'm sort of excited about this book.
Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides Oprah book club, Pulitzer Prize...very exciting.
Midwives by Chris Bohjalian Oh, Oprah book club again!
The Castaways by Elin Hilderbrand Another easy beach read. One perfect read for a cool fall day or a winter snow in.
Needless to say, I have a lot of books to read. I'm not sure when I'm going to get back to the library but since we don't have cable any more...or at least not much of cable (that was sort of a drama), I should have plenty of time. I need to dedicate myself fully to reading now.
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