Okay...
Two down...
Prepare for spoilers...
The Castaways...A group of eight friends are met with tragedy when a couple (Greg and Tess) die in a sailing accident leaving behind their two twins. The book deals with the secrets left behind and how the remaining couples deal with the deaths. Ed is stuck being the police chief and dealing with a psychotic Andrea who can barely get herself together to take care of the twins. Phoebe is suddenly awake with possibilities (though torn with having given Tess medications) while her husband Addison retreats into solitude of his secret affair with Tess. Delilah feels the guilt of not having told Tess about what she knew (Greg was with the student that had tried to seduce him the night before he died) and Jeffery reminisces with Andrea, the little bit of normalcy she can feel.
The Sea Captain's Wife...Azuba dreams of going to sea with her sea captain husband but shortly after their marriage she is left behind. His visits are infrequent and while her family surrounds her she feels abandoned with her young daughter. Azuba loses a baby and in her grief meets the young new pastor. They enjoy each others company but in this invite scandal. When Azuba's husband returns, there is no explaining to him. He takes Azuba and her daughter to sea with him. The sea voyage is hard but they make it through. On their return trip (from Chile to Europe), they are faced with dead water and a severe food shortage. Oh and Azuba is with child. There is a small rebellion on board but eventually they reach Europe. Azuba has a healthy son and after some enjoyable times in Europe they return to the sea to go to Hong Kong. They are raided by pirates who kidnap their nurse and kill all but a handful of the men. The captain suffers a debilitating head wound and is forced to give up his command.
Currently, I've started to read Bare Bones by Kathy Reichs. Its pretty classic Temperance Brennan book.
I really liked the The Sea Captain's Wife. It was interesting and exciting.
I signed up for NaNoWriMo which is National Novel Writing Month. (Its the month of November.) I'm hoping to get some serious writing done
Monday, October 27, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
Feeling Sorry For Myself
Well, I'm ready to throw in the towel and feel sorry for myself. I'm ready to say that I'm dealing with infertility issues.
So while I was waiting for my doctor to get back to me with the progesterone level, I started a period. On my own! That was sort of exciting suggesting a lot of possibilities. Maybe the clomid did work. Maybe my body follows its own schedule and I did ovulate. Just not on day 14 like expected. When I finally got ahold of my doctor, she was surprised but happy. She prescribed me a new medication and referred me to the reproductive endocrinologist.
The medication made me feel super dizzy. Like unable to drive a car dizzy. But I found that if I ate it didn't seem that bad. So this month, we're having a lot more sex and I probably should actually use those ovulation strips.
Somehow, I managed to get into the reproductive endocrinologist rather quickly and had my appointment today.
It didn't go well.
My appointment was a consultation. And from the start I felt like I was missing something. Why were the questions from the nurse about my own body so difficult to answer? Is it that confusing? (Yes.) Enter the doctor. Now one of the techs had seen this doctor before and really liked him. I'm not so sure. Maybe he was having a bad day. Maybe he needed an extra cup of coffee or wasn't feeling well.
Anyway, it felt like I was being put on trial for what my body did or didn't do. Why didn't my doctors do this or do that? Why was this medication prescribed in this dosage? And if PCOS was truly my diagnosis then there were things that would be have to be done. Management changes to my life style. Birth control between pregnancies so that my cycles would continue on a regular schedule. Medications to take. And now, the doctor reviewed Joe's history and in seeing that Joe's son has some chromosomal abnormalities he said that he needed to know more and that we shouldn't go into a pregnancy with blinders on.
While this is true, knowing the genetic outcome of my children and their future especially when I'm having trouble conceiving in the first place, seems like eugenics to me. It's a struggle for me to know what I should or shouldn't do in this situation.
But honestly, going into a pregnancy blindly is my choice. The choice of my husband and I.
So there. I left my doctors appointment feeling like the fact that I can't get pregnant was all my fault. That any choices I make are going to be the wrong ones. I left feeling fat and like I was not worthy of having a baby...if it was even possible for me to have one.
I now have orders for more bloodwork. Bloodwork to determine if I have insulin resistance, if I have diabetes and to see even if I have any eggs left. Then if I don't get pregnant this cycle (and I really, really hope I do so that I can put all this behind me for at least nine months), I have to have my uterus filled up with saline and air so that I can have an ultrasound. Doesn't sound like a very fun time to me.
So everyone pray to who or whatever you believe in or cross your fingers that I get pregnant. I could really use some positive vibes.
So while I was waiting for my doctor to get back to me with the progesterone level, I started a period. On my own! That was sort of exciting suggesting a lot of possibilities. Maybe the clomid did work. Maybe my body follows its own schedule and I did ovulate. Just not on day 14 like expected. When I finally got ahold of my doctor, she was surprised but happy. She prescribed me a new medication and referred me to the reproductive endocrinologist.
The medication made me feel super dizzy. Like unable to drive a car dizzy. But I found that if I ate it didn't seem that bad. So this month, we're having a lot more sex and I probably should actually use those ovulation strips.
Somehow, I managed to get into the reproductive endocrinologist rather quickly and had my appointment today.
It didn't go well.
My appointment was a consultation. And from the start I felt like I was missing something. Why were the questions from the nurse about my own body so difficult to answer? Is it that confusing? (Yes.) Enter the doctor. Now one of the techs had seen this doctor before and really liked him. I'm not so sure. Maybe he was having a bad day. Maybe he needed an extra cup of coffee or wasn't feeling well.
Anyway, it felt like I was being put on trial for what my body did or didn't do. Why didn't my doctors do this or do that? Why was this medication prescribed in this dosage? And if PCOS was truly my diagnosis then there were things that would be have to be done. Management changes to my life style. Birth control between pregnancies so that my cycles would continue on a regular schedule. Medications to take. And now, the doctor reviewed Joe's history and in seeing that Joe's son has some chromosomal abnormalities he said that he needed to know more and that we shouldn't go into a pregnancy with blinders on.
While this is true, knowing the genetic outcome of my children and their future especially when I'm having trouble conceiving in the first place, seems like eugenics to me. It's a struggle for me to know what I should or shouldn't do in this situation.
But honestly, going into a pregnancy blindly is my choice. The choice of my husband and I.
So there. I left my doctors appointment feeling like the fact that I can't get pregnant was all my fault. That any choices I make are going to be the wrong ones. I left feeling fat and like I was not worthy of having a baby...if it was even possible for me to have one.
I now have orders for more bloodwork. Bloodwork to determine if I have insulin resistance, if I have diabetes and to see even if I have any eggs left. Then if I don't get pregnant this cycle (and I really, really hope I do so that I can put all this behind me for at least nine months), I have to have my uterus filled up with saline and air so that I can have an ultrasound. Doesn't sound like a very fun time to me.
So everyone pray to who or whatever you believe in or cross your fingers that I get pregnant. I could really use some positive vibes.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Clear Blue (It Isn't) Easy
Welcome back fans of TMI.
As you know, in June I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries (PCOS) which was the reason I wasn't having a period and why I wasn't getting pregnant. My doctor was sort of skeptical at first but after bloodwork and an ultrasound was convinced.
So in August, I started on Clomid, had sex, had bloodwork and then found out that my estrogen and progesterone levels did increase however they weren't enough to suggest ovulation. In September, I doubled my Clomid dose. This made me feel just ADR. I repeated bloodwork but my doctor who is the queen of calling me at 6pm on Friday while I'm doing a calving or cutting a c-section hasn't called me back. The nurse told me that my estrogen went up from like 92 to 290 which is great. Until you start googling that at ovulation the level is around 400. Then you get sad.
The past few days though my boobs have been feeling sore. And today felt bigger. (Actually last week a tech commented on them.) Tonight, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.
For me, even before we got a diagnosis I never wanted to lump myself in with people suffering from infertility. I'm still not sure I want to but with each month that passes it gets harder to not think about it. Everyone at work knows my business which isn't good but I have no where else to turn. My mom keeps assuring me that if it doesn't happen that it's not the end of the world which makes me sad and confused. Why is she saying these things? It's not helpful or supportive.
I'm ready to have a baby. I know that I won't pursue IVF because 1) financially I can't and 2) I feel that if I was intended to have a baby that I wouldn't have to. No you can look at it and say 'well, you're taking medications to help you get pregnant, what's the difference?' And I'll say that it's my body so shut the fuck up.
At least now with a negative pregnancy test I can rest assured that the beer I drank on Monday, the X-rays I helped to take on Tuesday and consistently forgetting my vitamins did not scare a bundle of cells. At least I hope.
As you know, in June I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries (PCOS) which was the reason I wasn't having a period and why I wasn't getting pregnant. My doctor was sort of skeptical at first but after bloodwork and an ultrasound was convinced.
So in August, I started on Clomid, had sex, had bloodwork and then found out that my estrogen and progesterone levels did increase however they weren't enough to suggest ovulation. In September, I doubled my Clomid dose. This made me feel just ADR. I repeated bloodwork but my doctor who is the queen of calling me at 6pm on Friday while I'm doing a calving or cutting a c-section hasn't called me back. The nurse told me that my estrogen went up from like 92 to 290 which is great. Until you start googling that at ovulation the level is around 400. Then you get sad.
The past few days though my boobs have been feeling sore. And today felt bigger. (Actually last week a tech commented on them.) Tonight, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.
For me, even before we got a diagnosis I never wanted to lump myself in with people suffering from infertility. I'm still not sure I want to but with each month that passes it gets harder to not think about it. Everyone at work knows my business which isn't good but I have no where else to turn. My mom keeps assuring me that if it doesn't happen that it's not the end of the world which makes me sad and confused. Why is she saying these things? It's not helpful or supportive.
I'm ready to have a baby. I know that I won't pursue IVF because 1) financially I can't and 2) I feel that if I was intended to have a baby that I wouldn't have to. No you can look at it and say 'well, you're taking medications to help you get pregnant, what's the difference?' And I'll say that it's my body so shut the fuck up.
At least now with a negative pregnancy test I can rest assured that the beer I drank on Monday, the X-rays I helped to take on Tuesday and consistently forgetting my vitamins did not scare a bundle of cells. At least I hope.
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