I’ve known Joe for four years. In December, we’ll have officially dated for four years. In four years, we’ve had our ups and downs. For as much as Joe and I argue and fuss with each other, in the end, we really do love each other. I love Joe for a thousand different reasons that don’t really make much sense. They are obscure things and fantastically simple things sometimes. But sometimes, isn’t that what love really is? Isn’t it really just loving without any reason? Like a dog? In the end, don’t we all just want that unconditional love? Well, at least I do. I’m pretty sure that if Joe and I aren’t there, we will be one day. Hopefully, sooner than later.
It’s a relief too that I’ve found love. Because if I had to go out and do it all over again, I probably just wouldn’t. That’s sort of sad but it is true.
Then Comes Marriage
Joe and I have been progressing nicely on an imaginary timeline during our entire relationship. We did a year of long distance, a year of living in the same town, a year of living together and as we are entering our fourth year together, one would wonder where it is going? Naturally, it should be a year of being engaged. Followed by a lifetime of marriage bliss. (And kids.) Yet, it hasn’t reached that point.
I’m starting to worry.
Joe has always been about getting married to me. Something that I found to be odd when our relationship was fairly new. And now all that excitement has died down leaving its own oddness. Odd especially since at one point it definitely looked like I wasn’t going to make it out of vet school without a different last name. This leaves me in an odd place. I can nag Joe about getting married which will only breed resentment (something that doesn’t need to occur since some days I think I’m already walking a fine line on being single) or just wait around for it. Well, honestly, I’m sort of tired of waiting around. I think I’m more worried. I mean honestly, is Joe really ready for a move to a different state? To move away from his friends, family and job? Just for a girlfriend? No matter how serious he is, I just don’t see that without some further commitment to our relationship that he can be 100% committed to moving away from everything he has known. Moving to Columbia was hard enough. Three hours. What about moving to Pennsylvania? Sixteen or seventeen hours away? Really? He’s up for that?
Key point here-I want to get married something bad and am seriously worried that its not going to happen. (Maybe I do too many nice things for Joe. Maybe he needs some toughening up to realize how good he really does have it.)
Then Comes The Baby Carriage
So what really started this all, was that Joe and I went with Jackie and Casey to see Baby Ruby. Beautiful Baby Ruby who is the most amazing little baby ever. I am terribly jealous. My ovaries hurt and my uterus is lonely for a boarder for nine months. Needless to say, I have baby fever.
And in a right world, I would be married and then have a baby. I want one! (And then I start freaking out because in reality (counting out the fact that Gabbi and Scott have been married for three years), I’m not even a year younger than Gabbi. I should be having babies too before things start drying up.
But wait! The real question is: WHEN DOES THE CAREER COME?
Somewhere in all that, I am supposed to establish (well, at least start) a career in veterinary medicine. Not just veterinary medicine, but large animal veterinary medicine which is a whole different beast into itself. Its physically demanding. Not something you readily want a pregnant woman to do. (Not that they can’t, but sometimes, they shouldn’t.) And there are long hours. And phone calls in the middle of the night. And let’s not forget the fact that in May, I’m only graduating. So I actually am working from scratch on establishing a career. Not something that will be made any easier if say, I decided to have a baby. That career, baby thing becomes rather complicated.
In an ideal world, I would be about two years younger. I would still be graduating. I would be getting married. I would have about two to three years to enjoy childless marriage bliss as I establish my career. Then I could have a baby and enjoy not worrying about wanting to take time off and getting to enjoy the joys of motherhood.
But let’s face it. That’s not happening. I firmly believe that what will come will come and it will all work out in the end. But let’s not forget that my left hand is still feeling rather light and my uterus is still lonely. (And well, I haven’t graduated and don’t have a job. Yet.)
[EDIT-Originally published to Blogger-11/2/11]
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