BAH HUMBUG!

I was really excited for Chirstmas. Up until about today. Or maybe it was sometime last night...when I realized how impossible a wedding will be.

Let's stick with Christmas first though. I was pretty excited for LE to start playing Christmas music at work. In fact, with the exception that my favorite song (Must Be Santa) not being played, I'm still really excited about listening to Christmast songs at work.

I was excited about the gift exchange and Christmas party even though I was going to be on call during the party. Then the party got cancelled. We're going to have it in January. Hopefully...

Maybe, I'm all bah humbuggy because of being on call on Christmas. I was afterall on call for Thanksgiving. Now ANOTHER holiday...Admittedly, I agreed to be on call on Christmas with BF. He called me one Tuesday while I was still in bed. (His favorite time to call me and ask about scheduling. Way to catch me off guard.) Its because I don't have any kids. Not next Christmas, but the Christmas after, I hope to have that rectified. Anyway, I'm only pseudo on call in that I will be available to answer questions and tell people that they should go to the emergency clinic. I can see things if I want. I might if they are one man jobs and not an inconvience on time. I need some money...

I just can't get into Christmas. I have a single good idea for Joe's Christmas present but now I'm not sure I even want to get him one only because I could save the $97 towards something for our wedding. We bought some Chirstmas presents today and because of stupid Pinterest, I'm convinced I can make all sorts of impossible things. I'm going to attempt some baby stuff and maybe play with fire later.

I finally got the Christmas decorations put up inside the house. Our strand of blue lights was busted and the Christmas clock is somewhat questionable. Add blue Christmas lights onto my list because I want them for wedding decorations too. I'm making Chex Mix now. I'm not sure why but I wanted some and god damn it, I'm going to have it!

I'm just not feeling generous like I normally am. Normally, I am super excited about buying presents and have all sorts of ideas. I just don't. Maybe its lady illness. Maybe its because now, I see that there are bigger things that I want for myself as greedy as that sounds. But I want a wedding and a house. If I had a house, where I could put a large tree up, I'd be more excited. Next Christmas? Hard to say.

On the front of the wedding, I'm still taking to photographers (though I have one pretty much picked out) and caterers (I need to meet with two of them). I hope to have them hired before Christmas. And flowers set up in January. I have an imaginary list of things for Joe to do. And I probably should find a preacher or something. Hmmm...The biggest ordeal is the money situation. I'm still waiting to hear about the forebearance of my student loan. I swear it will be temporary. A year at most.

The problems are many. No help from my parents. Little saved up. My credit card is almost maxed out and has carried a balence for 18 months which I HATE! Everything costs more than I would like to spend. But what can I do. (Get better at neogitation maybe.) I did a rough total and while I'm sort of okay with it because I do realize that this will be my dream wedding (aside from dream wedding A), I'm freaking out because behind that number is about a couple grand more that I didn't think about. Ugh. I should play the lottery. Or hope for a miracle.