Honest Craigslist Posting

You can't always trust what you read on Craigslist. People don't always tell the truth. Items are dirtier than advertised, penises are smaller...

Last October, I found an ad for a cat that I wished I could have. This is the ad (minus the original picture):

Crotchety Barn Cat Seeks Loving Forever Home (sounds good and promising now)

"Cougar Kitty' is a 6-year-old neutered male barn cat in need of a loving forever home. He has no redeeming qualities, no beautiful coat pattern, and is blessed with the personality of a bridge troll. (Haha!)You won't have to put up with him for his whole life at least, as he is already 6 years down that path. Barn cats live notoriously short lives (an average of 5 years) but we don't live close enough to the road for that particular "out" to have worked for us.

Cougar hates, abhors, detests with a determined vengeance, (someone has a thesaurus, don't they!) all other cats, though he has promised not to kill our dog. He will bite small children, though older children who can run faster, would be pretty safe. (What about children or adults that can't run fast.) We would have had him declawed, but that would still have left the teeth, wouldn't it? (Indeed.) Cougar is, through necessity, up to date on his rabies vaccines. (Good. AND responsible.)

If you have problems with an overabundance of mice, rats, or moles, this is not the cat for you. However, you will find him an enormous help should you need to curb a wayward population of beautiful songbirds.

Sadly, Cougar is not a shy, stand-offish, fainting-flower type of cat. He greatly enjoys stalking people, especially unsuspecting guests and toddlers. He will rub and purr for your affections. Unfortunately, a sever personality disorder will cause him to bite anyone who tries to pet him. I insert here that I hold the record of 15 (fifteen) pets in before attack sequence was deployed. This could be your challenge. (I'll accept that.)

Due to public interaction on our farm, and the high probability of a law suit, we need to relocate this kitty. Having him dispatched through the usual "early out" veterinary-approved system seems like cheating, so is not an option for us. (I respect that.) We feel Cougar would do well with a lone biker type that who hates cats, or possibly the folks at Lake Tobias (local wildlife park) might take him on as an exhibit. They say there is someone for everyone. The gauntlet has been thrown. Help us out here.

At this point, I googled pictures of orange cats but couldn't find one suitable to fit this cat's description. I wish I could have got him. I surely would have gotten 16 or 17 pets in. I am a professional afterall.