Rough Time

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I was off which you would think would make it an awesome day. However days off just make me sad. I have too much and not enough all at once to occupy my time. I'm constantly at odds with myself about needing to do this or that and really just wanting to lay around the house and do nothing at all.
I went to Hermitage to return some Christmas presents and buy pants. A combination of hating to spend money on myself, an ill proportioned body and poor self image makes shopping rather difficult. I keep thinking 'well, if you could hold off on buying clothes you can reward yourself for your weight loss with new clothes that are much nicer/more trendy than the ones you'll buy being fat' then I remember that while I have all the intentions in the world of losing weight that I haven't even began to do so. (See previous post-30 In 30).
Shirts I'm reasonably okay with. Shoes I'm great with. It's pants that are my big issue. I've wrote in this before. Who knew that picking out a pair of pants would be so much more difficult than picking out your wedding dress? Finally, I settled on one pair (instead of the desired two) of trouser pants that don't have excess crotch material but are Lee's with the comfort no gap waist band. Yep, I'm wearing mom pants. Oh well.
So after that minor breakdown, I went to the craft store to peruse possible craft projects for work and to look for things for my birthday. Then I went to the grocery store. I was pretty bummed out by now.
I hung out on the couch, napped with Mary and Sadie before popping out to see the ponies. Then I made dinner and probably had a fight with Joe. (It's hard to tell. We're fighting a lot currently.) Then I watched a movie with the dogs and ate ice cream. I didn't get any cleaning done. I hate days off.
The only productive thing I did was to get three inches cut off of my hair. Joe didn't notice but how could he since I keep my hair up 24-7. And that's the point. I plan on getting it all cut off in February. I did not call the student loan people not did I make a doctors appointment. I did at least find Joe some names of doctors.
Now to feel better about myself I have to bust my hump to clean before another weekend on call. But I won't because I'll be something then it's just a shame spiral.

So today my long awaited secret birthday present came. The box sort of gave its contents away. I was not impressed nor could I fake gratefulness which is something I am sorry for. Joe blew my reaction out of proportion and in short is furious with me. I'm just not sure how he thinks that I would like this present. Should I reveal what it was? Sure but beyond hat I have already stated, I'll let you make the call on how much I would like such a gift on my THIRTIETH birthday.
My birthday present.
Anyway, I love my husband even if his gift giving skills leave something to be desired.