Feeling Sorry For Myself

Well, I'm ready to throw in the towel and feel sorry for myself. I'm ready to say that I'm dealing with infertility issues.
So while I was waiting for my doctor to get back to me with the progesterone level, I started a period. On my own! That was sort of exciting suggesting a lot of possibilities. Maybe the clomid did work. Maybe my body follows its own schedule and I did ovulate. Just not on day 14 like expected. When I finally got ahold of my doctor, she was surprised but happy. She prescribed me a new medication and referred me to the reproductive endocrinologist.
The medication made me feel super dizzy. Like unable to drive a car dizzy. But I found that if I ate it didn't seem that bad. So this month, we're having a lot more sex and I probably should actually use those ovulation strips.
Somehow, I managed to get into the reproductive endocrinologist rather quickly and had my appointment today.
It didn't go well.
My appointment was a consultation. And from the start I felt like I was missing something. Why were the questions from the nurse about my own body so difficult to answer? Is it that confusing? (Yes.) Enter the doctor. Now one of the techs had seen this doctor before and really liked him. I'm not so sure. Maybe he was having a bad day. Maybe he needed an extra cup of coffee or wasn't feeling well.
Anyway, it felt like I was being put on trial for what my body did or didn't do. Why didn't my doctors do this or do that? Why was this medication prescribed in this dosage? And if PCOS was truly my diagnosis then there were things that would be have to be done. Management changes to my life style. Birth control between pregnancies so that my cycles would continue on a regular schedule. Medications to take. And now, the doctor reviewed Joe's history and in seeing that Joe's son has some chromosomal abnormalities he said that he needed to know more and that we shouldn't go into a pregnancy with blinders on.
While this is true, knowing the genetic outcome of my children and their future especially when I'm having trouble conceiving in the first place, seems like eugenics to me. It's a struggle for me to know what I should or shouldn't do in this situation.
But honestly, going into a pregnancy blindly is my choice. The choice of my husband and I.
So there. I left my doctors appointment feeling like the fact that I can't get pregnant was all my fault. That any choices I make are going to be the wrong ones. I left feeling fat and like I was not worthy of having a baby...if it was even possible for me to have one.
I now have orders for more bloodwork. Bloodwork to determine if I have insulin resistance, if I have diabetes and to see even if I have any eggs left. Then if I don't get pregnant this cycle (and I really, really hope I do so that I can put all this behind me for at least nine months), I have to have my uterus filled up with saline and air so that I can have an ultrasound. Doesn't sound like a very fun time to me.
So everyone pray to who or whatever you believe in or cross your fingers that I get pregnant. I could really use some positive vibes.