Woes

Originally, I intended on writing this blog last night around 4am when I found it impossible to sleep. The combination of multiple sodas, heat, sleeping on the couch and worries about everything kept me awake. That's how I managed to get all those other blogs uploaded. That and some luck from my laptop that was happy to be working late into the night.
Anyway, today, the heat has not dissipated (maybe tomorrow with some storms) and neither has the worries. Joe and I have been engaged for one year yet we are no closer to being married. We have lived in Pennsylvania for one year today yet again are no closer to being any more fans of it.
The biggest woes center around two things-money and the wedding. Both are intimately intertwined with each other making it nearly impossible to separate out the cause.
Saturday, intending on picking up my bridesmaids dress for a wedding that has since been canceled and to have a lunch date for our anniversary of one year of engagement, Joe and I went to Harrisburg. Along the way, I informed him that despite having both been paid on Friday, we had close to $200 in the bank because I had paid a bunch of bills. A long discussion of money issues ensued followed by an even longer fight.
The fact of the matter is that we could afford to pay for the ponies to board in Pennsylvania OR we could afford a new car. Not both. Now we have both. I felt very pressured into bringing the ponies here by my mom. And then we had to purchase a new car as it was infeasible to fix Joe's after it failed the second inspection. (If only we knew that the second inspection was required when it failed the first one!). I supposed I could have pressed and told my mom that we couldn't take on the ponies now. I would have been only out the $75 boarding deposit. However, at that time, I felt both was a possibility. Then over half of our savings (savings for a wedding) disappeared to help on the car. Then there was the vacation which seemed to be forgotten when we were having the money discussion. A lot of the vacation went on my Discover card too which was a shame because I was like only two months away from having the balance paid off. Now I have to start all over again and its going to be forever for me to get ahead of it. Especially, since we're living paycheck to paycheck right now which means groceries and such are going on the credit card instead of out of our account. Also did I mention that another student loan came due? Joe is quitting smoking which might save us up to about $70-$100 a week but his Chantex is like $150 a month. And it gives him an attitude. Also, something I've always had a problem with is messing up my checkbook balance. Right now, I think we have about $300 more than we actually do. Luckily, I keep this in mind. How does that happen? My poor math skills (typical girl) and missing receipts that only show up after I get the monthly statement seem to be at the root of the calculation error.
Eventually, I know everything will settle out and I will take care of it all. I wish Joe wouldn't worry about it. He just has to wait to get his phone fixed and I my laptop. (I offered him the use of my iphone and I'll go back to my old one. I use the phone too much anyway.) But at the center of not having money, is the issue of not being able to do much wedding planning.
I can't really say why we've passed the one year mark and I don't have a date set. I thought it was all good when I had the library. It took me long enough to get that organized and then when it fell through, I sort of lost some ambition. Now I have some renewed ambition in that my younger brother is engaged...again. And they are planning a wedding for June. I'm sure while its going to mostly be something that my family doesn't have to be involved in when I set the date finally for sometime in April (hopefully). There will be some sort of protest. Most likely from my mother which brings me to the point that my mom has no interest in me getting married whatsoever. I really get the feeling that I could just elope and she wouldn't bat an eyelash. I don't know why this is. I need some financial and emotional support from her and am getting nothing. So this evening, I plan on doing some crying and asking what the deal is. Why hasn't she offered more help? Is it because I'm marrying Joe? What's the deal? I feel that Joe and I are in between a rock and a hard place when it comes to the wedding. We can have the fantastic fancy wedding I want and we deserve but with imaginary money OR we can go to the courthouse where no one will end up being happy. We do it here in Pennsylvania and my grandparents won't be able to attend. (I know its super important (or assume so) that my grandma sees her only granddaughter get married.) And Joe's dad probably won't come. Quite frankly, if it comes down to that, I don't give a fuck if my mom even shows up. She's not willing to put out any help in any sort of planning no matter how much I talk about it or how much I say that we don't have money for a wedding then obviously she doesn't care. She should be doing the opposite. My older brother got married without anyone knowing and there is some resentment there. My mom should be overbearingly helpful in the planning of my wedding. How much do tickets to Vegas cost anyway?