Guilt

[EDIT-I wrote this in April just before my computer started hating me. It likes me today. For now.-LP-6/14/11]

Veterinary medicine is like my big Jewish mother. (Not that I have one.) She’s always making me feel guilty for things that I do or don’t do more likely. She also is always comparing me to others. Nothing I can do pleases her. She’s a constant voice nagging me into feeling guilty for things I did or didn’t do. Every lame dog, every vomiting cat, she’s a voice that makes me think I should do more. Every sick cow I see, every farm I leave feeling victorious, she’s a voice that says I should have done something else instead.

Sometimes I know my weaknesses.  I know that I’m not strong at doing abdominal palpation or listening to lung sounds on small animals.  Sometimes I know that once I get into my truck and pull away, that there was something else I could have tried. I wish I didn’t know. I wish that voice would be quieter. Like today, I was lectured regarding a case I saw. There were definitely some mistakes made on my part-some pretty scary ones too but at the time, I felt the correct decisions were being made. Lessons learned. I just wish I would feel a little less guilty about everything I do-right or wrong.

Last week, I was thrown off of a farm. I went out to see a sick cow that might have a twist. When I got there, the old man farmer pulled up on his tractor and started talking to me. The gist of what he had to say was asking where Dr. Farrell (my boss) was. I informed him that I was here to see his sick cow. At this, he replied that he’d prefer if I got back into my truck and turned myself around. I was very confused and having a hard time hearing him over the milk pump. He repeated himself several times before walking back towards his tractor. Now his sons arrived and asked me what was going on. I point blank asked them if they wanted me to look at their cow. They called to the dad and I was then told that they wanted BF to look at this one. So I got back in my truck and headed back to the clinic.

BF eventually got there and did talk to them. To what extent, I’m not sure but the farmer was upset because a couple of weeks prior I had seen one of their cows and she later died. I had consulted over the phone with TH because I was sure it was a RDA and needed some assistance in correcting it. I was told that it was probably something else and to recheck her. I did and the alternative diagnosis seemed reasonable. Maybe it wasn’t. Regardless, cows die and she had been sick with diarrhea for a while. Now she also had ulcers when I saw her.  Oh well, that farm is dirty and creepy anyway.

In other veterinary news, I got my contract today and woot, woot! I got a raise! And some extra money for my insurance which will come in handy!

Joe and I celebrated our first Pennsylvania Easter yesterday. I baked a ham and made all the sides-mashed sweet potatoes, crescent rolls, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, and deviled eggs. I also made molten lava cake for dessert. It was good. Well, some of it was good.

Saturday, Joe and I went to the bent and dent. There Joe realized that we really do live in Pennsylvania as there were Amish buggies tied up out front. We spent way too much money on dented cans and broken boxes. Some things will come in handy but I’m not sure we needed all of those different types of BBQ sauce.

Spring has finally arrived. Today, it was in the lower 80s. Of course, it has also rained half the days of the month. It seems like the rain will never end sometimes. With the rain, our back room is one moldy, musty mess with the heavy leak in the roof. Anyway, everything is blooming and looks so pretty. Joe and I have tried to get into the yard to do some yardwork but with our schedules and the rain, its proving difficult. At least now, we have all of our stuff. I soaked the bulbs so I can plant them. Yesterday, I planned our flower boxes and put down some Roundup. The weeds only look so-so towards dying. The yard still needs to be mowed (the second time) and the mulch laid down. (In addition, to planting the bulbs.) Despite all the rainy days, the house is no closer to becoming clean. I just don’t have the motivation. The pantry was cleaned out but that’s about the extent of the spring cleaning. Eventually, I’ll do it.

Joe is freaking out about money which is understandable because in addition to the ponies’ board, we just added on a large car payment. The upside is if I stop being lazy, I can get work to pay for our insurance which will free up about the same as the car payment. Joe constantly is asking if this bill or that bill got paid and I am always reassuring him that it did. I honestly don’t know what he’d do if I wasn’t around to pay things. Not do it I guess.

So its after Easter meaning that its time for Joe and I to start going to church. Now I set this deadline twice already-August and January with no luck. But its important for us to get started so that it will be easier for us to claim a wedding date at St. Rose. Right now, our wedding is essentially theoretical. We probably should just elope. I’m not sure even how that works. I want a dress and some presents!

My mom told me today that an ex-boyfriend was in a car accident a few weeks ago. Someone hit him and he had multiple broken bones. I think about him every now and then. I thought HE was the one but it seems that being the one for him wasn’t going to happen as rapidly as I wanted it too. I’m actually sort of upset regarding his accident. I want to reach out to him and his family but I know its not appropriate. We didn’t end on bad terms but its been like seven years. Would he even remember me? We’ve both moved on. And the fact that he’s not on Facebook makes stalking very difficult!

So regarding Facebook, I have somewhere closing in on 300 friends. Every last one of them, I have met or know in some way. I’d be able to recognize them if they came up to me in Wal-Mart. (At least, I hope so!) Regardless, there are lots of these ‘friends’ that I am not really friends with. Some of these ‘friends’ for this reason I should defriend. But then there are some of them that are just fun to snoop on. How do you have five kids in ten years since high school? Really? There are some people that I have elected to bump off of my news feed because I can’t deal with their statuses. Constant babble about how much their life sucks or how great it is. On and on they go about how sick they are or how much their baby poops. Other things that will make me drop you from my news feed is constant political talk. I don’t care how liberal or conservative you are. In fact in regards to people that are super liberal, if you talk about how much you hate people that are conservative and what they believe in, that actually makes you a hate monger. Hypocrite.  There, I finally said it. Stop hating the haters.

And finally, I think at least, the ponies are doing rather well here. Unfortunately, Cody has developed a bit of a complex and can be a jerk when not being worked with Nell. Today, I worked the two of them in the round pen together before putting up Nell and working Cody on obstacles. He’s doing well with the poles and has gotten over the fear of the mailbox. Today, he was even crossing over the bridge. Nell is going to get working on driving as soon as I get my bridle back from the Amish guy. Then I have to buy a cart. So some things that I need-a pony cart, some jump standards and poles, a hula hoop and some cones. And a set of clippers. And a horse trailer.

Oh, yes, I got my vacation for next month. Joe and I are going to Ocean City, Maryland. Nothing really planned. Sunday, will be spent in Baltimore including a trip to Pimlico the weekend before the Preakness and probably going to the national aquarium. Then the week in OC.

Okay, this is the last thing. Joe and I are finally on a similar sleeping schedule which is really nice. The cat enjoys sleeping on my pillow too. However, we still essentially have separate bedrooms. How do I correct this? There isn’t enough dresser or closet space for both of our clothes. I’m not sure that I can go about girling up Joe’s room without him being upset. I guess I’ll figure it out one way or another.