A few weeks ago, a song was playing when my alarm went off. Instead of instantly hitting the snooze button as is my normal routine, I listened to it for a minute because it was a song that I had at one time considered putting on a mixed tape (well, burned CD) for a love interest of mine like something out of the ‘80s. And when I did manage to hit the snooze button, instead of falling back to sleep I started thinking about my relationships and relationship history.
When I was five years old, I kissed a boy on the swings at the horse show grounds. His name was Joe Bridges.
In grade school, I think I had one of the most mature relationships that I ever had. I can only look back on it and remember what I can. I think now what may have made it so mature was that there was no physical aspect to our relationship. There was some random kisses but no making out, none of the stuff that kids today are doing in grade school.
In high school, up until my senior year there were the occasional boyfriend. I had one that drove an old white Ford and played tennis. One that I worked with at McDonald’s (that may have been the beginning of my senior year). One thing that these guys had in common was that they literally made me sick to my stomach to be around. I started to hate them and started to treat them terribly because I had no other method of getting rid of them. (I since have not refined this method but seen not to have to at this point.)
Then at the end of my senior year of high school, the phenomenon that I call the ‘drought or pour cycle’ began. In the month of May, I was seeing several different guys. One guy puked on the tilt-a-whirl. One ended up to be gay but that was okay because I really cared for him and he was still technically confused at that time. I didn’t get physically ill when I was around them. I was asked to DeSoto’s prom by several different guys but lacked a date for my own prom. My dad came up the solution for the date problem. Anyway, by the middle of the summer, I was safely dating Jeremiah, a former wrestler from DeSoto that was in the army. We dated for over two years but I think I saw him less than three months total in all of that time. I wasn’t happy in that relationship and wanted to break up with him on several occasions but was never able to. I would talk to him on the phone (with him in Germany) and have a great conversation and just couldn’t do it. He finally came home for good and within two months, I had broken up with him. We had changed in different ways and I just knew that this relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere that I wanted it too. I think I told someone that I wished he had beat me because then I would at least have a reason to break up with him.
Of course, there were several guys that I could have dated while he was gone. Being the honorable girl that I am I never did. There was a guy that lived with us in the dorms that was obsessed with me. I wasn’t interested in him afterall, I had that boyfriend as a good excuse. After the breakup with army guy, I entered the drought phase for a long while. Somewhere along the way, I knew that what I wanted was a boyfriend that was a friend first. Someone that understood who I was and wouldn’t be put off by my awkwardness. I spent a lot of the time that summer talking to one of my friends as we talked about another group of our friends. I began to start to have feelings for him but whenever I thought it might be time to ask him out I couldn’t. It wasn’t a sexual attraction to him. I just knew him and trusted him. That’s where the songs for the mixed tape come in. There are lots of songs out there told from the point of view of the guy friend that is constantly left out by the girl because of her boyfriend that doesn’t appreciate her as much as the guy friend knows he could. I wanted to express that to my friend. I always felt that way, even once he had another girlfriend and I had Joe. Joe knew all of this and I finally told my friend how I felt. It was like the door that had been blowing open and shut in the wind finally had been shut and locked not to be opened again.
At the end, thus the beginning of the pour phase, there was some interest from a St. Joseph group member. [EDIT] friend from DeSoto. He professed that he had loved me in high school even though we each had our own relationships at the time. He made it sound like he still did. I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t and hadn’t (at least to my knowledge) shared those feelings then or currently. [EDIT] (Okay, its still awkward a lot for me but that’s just because I’m an awkward person.)
I went to Florida. I danced once at a cowboy club. I meet a guy and told myself that it wasn’t anything serious, that I wouldn’t care about how it ended or how it went. I was wrong. [EDIT] but I got all tangled up with all of the other things that make a girl dumb. I got back [EDIT] DeSoto guy again but it wasn’t the same.
I was deep in the drought phase and was about to give up. In fact I had gotten to the point in which I enrolled into the Yahoo Personals. I was very blunt with people that responded and while one guy was willing to deal with my then liberal views, I felt nothing for him. Nothing except being very safe with him, safe enough to tell him pretty much everything. I was also ready to start making the bar scene when I met Joe. Sure, our beginning wasn’t what is written in the storybooks. We met drunkenly at a Halloween party. I was dressed up like Paris Hilton. We drunkenly made out. We’ve been dating for over three years now. Three years that have seen lots of changes and problems and great times. There have been times when I had the opportunity of other interests from other male parties but never pursued them because 1) I am honorable as mentioned above and 2) I do love Joe.
Joe said last night that he’s been getting a lot of pressure to get me an engagement ring. (All the pressure I assume is directly from me unless there is someone else busily harassing him, which honestly would be nice.) I think we are at that point. What more can be gained from keeping our relationship as just dating? I see all of my classmates getting married and engaged and wonder when it will happen for me? I don’t know how much would change with Joe and I being engaged or even married. There might be some benefits to taxes and stuff and we’ll get a new bed. That’s a huge bonus in of itself. I want to be Joe’s wife and I want to have babies for him. I just don’t know how much longer I can stay in this pattern of our relationship. Its time for our relationship to move forward.
[Originally, posted to Blogger on March 5, 2011.]
[Originally, posted to Blogger on March 5, 2011.]
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