I think I need to think a little more seriously about working for the USDA. Or maybe even small animal medicine. (GASP!)
The fact of the matter is, and I am rapidly learning this, is that I’m not very strong. In fact, I’m barely strong at all. There are tons of things that I have found that I am simply physically unable to do. Examples include pull a calf and punch a gigantic needle though a cow’s vulva. I am also unable to hold up the omentum for an omentopexy without my arm getting tired and having to switch off.
Maybe I just need to work out. That might also solve the backache I’ve developed since starting EFAST. I think its directly related to pulling on that calf on the second night here. I’ll keep that in mind and start before I am supposed to join the real world.
But I’ve also been thinking that maybe I’m not cut out for food animal medicine in other ways. Of course, there is nothing that makes me more excited than a good food animal surgery or internal medicine case. Excited more that I was in small animal medicine. EVER. And of course, I have these general feelings of inadequacy and doubt no matter what I’m dealing with-horse, cow, cat, dog, alpaca, electrical appliance, social situations, the possibilities are really just endless when it comes to me.
I’m too far along in veterinary medicine to just throw in the towel completely but I certainly may have to explore other options if suddenly my physical inadequacy limits me. (I really should just work out instead of changing career paths.)
Physical abilities aside, I get too excited about mistakes and feel too bad about them for too long. If you know me, you know what a worrier I am. I’m not very good at giving sub-Q shots in cattle. In fact, I’m (was) rather horrible at it, but I did about 50 head the other day and didn’t miss a beat (well, I missed about two cows but was able to correct rather than ignore my mistakes). I mixed up some vaccines and missed vaccinating about five cows with one shot and gave them double the other. It didn’t seem to be a big deal and I wasn’t scolded or anything for it but I kicked myself for hours about it. I get upset at myself when I misdiagnosis heat for pregnancy. I shouldn’t get too upset about any of these mistakes. I should get upset enough to find a solution for them and remember the problem but not to kick myself for days. I’m learning and I need to realize that. Mistakes happen. Sometimes they are bad. Sometimes they are not.
Veterinary medicine is hard. Sometimes you just have to do what you can and sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. I had this little breakdown before leaving for EFAST and Joe was kind enough to listen to me. Kind enough to let me lie my head in his lap-this may have been more theoretical than actual. I don’t really remember but I do know that’s what I really wanted to do.
I need to realize that I don’t know everything and it will take years to get good at veterinary medicine. That’s why it’s a practice. I need to realize that both physically and mentally there are things that I can and cannot do. I need to realize that not everything will be okay sometimes. I need to realize that usually I am doing my best with what I have and that’s all that matters. I need to realize that no one is perfect and not to be so hard on myself.
I really just need to calm down…and work out.
[EDIT-Originally, posted to Blogger on March 12, 2011.]
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